Saturday, the 7th

:::LONGEST BLOG EVER:::
Alright, I'm actually rewriting my introduction because it totally didn't fit how I finished this, so I am going to give you a new one, a more of a warning.
This blog contains sadness.
I will be more happy next time, promise. :D because next blog will most likely be about Valentines Day.
So here it goes, I haven't touched it since Saturday, because i didn't want to give in and change it. because i know if i changed one thing, I'd want to change it all.
So here it goes... (Oh, and I'm not even proof-reading it because I know me, and me would cave in and change everything.)
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So I went to this Defensive Driving Course at NWACC, the community college, because I got my first speeding ticket the sunday before Christmas, right in front of the church parking lot. Horribly embarassing...
So the day came where I had to get up on a Saturday morning at seven thirty to get ready to go to a Defensive Driving course, with a bunch of meth addicts. I wasn't mad about going, I was just plain scared.
It was worse than the feeling I had when I was on my way to my first day of public school! Because this time, there would be no one I knew, no one I could sit by, no one that would tell me it'd be alright. Because even if there were people willing to be nice, I didn't really want to, because they were all meth addicts.
So I think it's safe to say that on the inside I was really freaking out. I had no clue what would go on, or what the place even looked like! Don't even get me started on the person that would be giving the lecture... I thought he would've been some ex-addict who got into some major car-wreck that "changed his life forever"!
And the room? It was going to be small, cramped, and smelly. Just like our old history teachers room. Ugghhh...
So we pull into the parking lot and my mom walks me in, [I don't think I could've forced myself to walk in alone, to face all those nasty meth addicts] and who do we see other than the Bella Vista ward Bishop, brother Simon Keo.
He's quite ahead in line, and so of course I don't say anything, i barely knew him. The only reason I recognized him was because he taught at our Mini Youth Conference in the beginning of January. Plus I kind of babysat his adorable kids, but I never saw him, only the mom.
After I filled out the registration form and my mom left me, I started to think about the whole thing, as I waited in line for at least ten minutes, I looked around and really studied the people around me, without letting it be obvious I was staring at them. These people didn't look like meth addicts (I met one in court, another story for another day) but they looked almost... normal. =O
I was kind of ashamed of myself for thinking the only people that came were addicts to something. I should've known better the second I saw Bro. Keo...
Anyways, I finally got to go down the small staircase and into this gargantuan auditorium, filled with stadium seating and lots of people filling them up. I searched immediately for bro. Keo as I waited in a smaller line to sign in. I found him just after I checked in, he was sitting at the top in the very back.
I then thought if he was a little answer to my secret, small prayer.
You see, I hate doing new things by my lonesome. On my first day of school I don't know if I would've made it, but I had a few church friends I knew already, so I was good. But for this Defensive Driving... I thought I was doomed. Before I saw Bro. keo I still had a little comfort in the fact that my brother James would be picking me up for our lunch break, which was an hour. So James and my mom were the reasons I had made it that far, into the auditorium. And Bro. Keo was the reason I walked up the billion steps it took to get to the top. he was the reason I walked across peoples feet in order to get to my seat. I reached him and was bold and outgoing, and introduced myself.
"Hi, are you Brother Keo?"
"Why, yes I am."
"Hi, I'm Delaynie Douglas..." And I told him how I knew him. It was just this huge boulder of nervousness/scaredness that was lifted off my shoulders. Like I kind of said earlier, I can survive anything as long as someone is there with me.
So we get started and it starts out playing a couple clips from TV shows, on the big projector screen. They were HILARIOUS!! I gotta say, I was not expecting funny when I thought the words Defensive Driving class. I thought I would be aching to sleep, or to run out of there, or basically: I thought I was going to DIE.
But, I didn't. I was making it through! The funny clips broke the ice and the instructor (A nice, well-dressed, amazing, oldish guy) then showed pictures of things like you would see in the driving manual. So all before lunch time at 11:15 we got to learn about regulation signs, crosswalks, (etc.) and I actually enjoyed it! I was learning, and having a good time!
I couldn't wait until lunch time to tell my brother James!
Then it was eleven:ten and he let us out early for lunch. I ran through my mind the words my mom told me before I left; "Don't worry, I'll call James, and he'll be waiting out in the parking lot for you at eleven fifteen." So I took breaths and walked out. I may have been having a good time, but I still didn't like doing anything alone! So I walked out there and of course he wasn't there yet, I mean really, why would he be there five minutes early? Is he psychic? NO.
So I decided I'd call, even though he'd be on his way by then, obviously. But I just thought I'd tell him I was already out waiting for him.
So I dial in his number and it rings a few times... and a few times more.. then I hang up because I forgot that when he's driving he doesn't answer his phone. So I was really glad he was on his way. he was probably almost here!
Then my phone started ringing almost instantly, on the caller i.d. James. So I answer and he's all like, "What up, lay?"
And so I tell him I'm out and waiting for him, and here comes his reply.
"Oh.. Your out now? I thought it was at noon."
I froze. "What?"
"Yeah, ha ha. whoops."
"Oh.. well.. you'll still come right?"
"Oh yeah, oh yeah. I'm kind of in bentonville though, but I'll see you in a few minutes!"
That was it. I may have had a good time but I'd had a death grip on the thought of having him with me at lunch. That good, comforting though, was suddenly dragged out from me. And I was alone in a parking lot.
I have to be honest, I had a minor breakdown. I didn't want to but tears just spilled out and I couldn't stop them. I wasn't freaking on the outside, no, that's not what I do. But boy did i freak on the inside. After being frozen for a couple minutes I went back inside, it was freezing out. I went to the bathrooms, afraid of seeing people me like this. So I calmed down and fixed my hair and whatnot, not really caring but still wanting to look presentable. It was now 11:24 and still no James. I walked back outside and saw a McDonald's sign standing up in the distance, and thought about walking over there. But then I realized I only had like a dollar, so I decided to walk to the neighborhood market instead, which was right across the street, to get a candy bar. Better then nothing, right?
So while this was happening I had been getting texts from one of my guy friends (who lives way out in Gentry)and he was asking how it was going. And just to let you know, I usually hate telling people about personal things and whatnot. But I told him about my brother and he was really sweet and told me how he would pick me up in an instant if he could. Doesn't sound like much, but at the time it stopped the tears from flowin'.
I was almost to the crosswalk when James called and told me he was here, which was after eleven thirty. He acted as if he wasn't really late... He acted as if he hadn't hurt me.
I walked over there, the tears welling up in my eyes. When I almost reached James he smiled real big at me, than saw my face.
"Lay, you ok?"
"Oh, yeah. I'm fine" I said as cheerfully as possible..
"Oh, well ok.. let's go!" And I do feel a little better, I mean, I still had thirty minutes. That would be enough to enjoy a little lunch at mickeyD's.
Then I look into the backseat and see his friends... his so-called friends.. and instantly my glimmer of having a nice lunch was squeezed out.
But I still got in and pretended it was all ok. Because thats what i do when I'm with him.
We end up going through the drive-thru and James pays for all of us and we go back to the parking lot at NWACC and eat in his car and listen to Korn.
Gotta say.. not the best lunch i've ever had.
A few minutes later I had to go in so i took his trash and threw it away for him, knowing he wouldn't have for himself. Ha ha.
So I get back in and go back to my seat and all is well. Brother Keo comes back too and we talk a little before it starts back up, and I felt that happiness inside me again, before getting that call from my brother.
So the last half of the defensive driving we get to watch videos, see pictures, hear stories on people that have died because of either careless driving or drunk driving. It was seriously depressing. I would've cried a lot more than I had if it weren't for funny commercials played in between about careless driving.
And that reminded me of my English class.
In English we're reading Julius Caesar, and the other day we were talking about Shakespeare's writing, and how every time something bad is about to happen, every times someone would die, he would insert a light, funny piece of script, just so you wouldn't be completely devastated.
Mr. Stewart then shared a story of going to see "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas" with his thirteen year old son, Max.
He said Max really wanted to see it, and that he told him it could be pretty gruesome and sad. But Max still wanted to see it. What thirteen year old would turn away from a bloody war movie?
So he said they went and saw it and about half way through the movie, he said his son leaned toward and him and whispered, "Dad, can we leave?" so they left early.
Mr. Stewart had told us about the movie, and how completely devastating and absolutely depressing it was to see. How disturbing it was. How there was no comedy what so all in it.
I can honestly say that if I hadn't seen those comedy clips of driving commercials, i wouldn't have been able to take it.
Our instructor wanted images engraved in our heads, he would describe them in such gruesome, bloody, marvelous details that just made you look away from him, clinch your eyes shut. But you still couldn't get away from it. It was in your mind.
Even though those images were hard to see, and those stories made you want to cry, it all made you think.
It made you realize, accidents are accidents. They are completely random, and it all happens within a couple seconds, a look in your rear-view mirror, a glance down to change the track of a CD, anything. And maybe it's not even your fault! It's the carelessness of other drivers that could end you. You can't just say how much you love your family and hug and kiss them goodbye, saying the car that will run the red light down the street is going to crash into my car and kill me. If you knew you wouldn't go in the first place!
I have to say, this definitely put the fear in me. That's what it was suppose to do, but I think it worked more than they would have liked it to. I was already one of the most paranoid people on earth, now we have to add the fact that I could die any second when I'm driving.
Out of this class I didn't get just the fear, or the randomness of it, I got the heart-wrenching feel of losing a loved one.
The last story the instructor told us, was a personal one that had happened to him just two years ago on January 16th, 2006. His name was Seth and they had been best friends since college. I can't tell this story, I wish i could, but I wouldn't get the minimum of feeling into it that he had put, that he had felt when he lost his friend. How he had just talked to his friend minutes before he died, without even realizing that would be their last conversation.
I can't tell you the story, but i can tell you how quiet that room was. I can tell you how we all felt for him, not pity, not sadness, but we felt the wound that was in our hearts, just from hearing that story.
I have to sat, this class was life changing for me. I know earlier i said how i imagined my weird instructor would be one of those who talked about life changing events, but that's all I can say.
It's changed my thought-process, and I am so much more thankful for everyone and everything in my life. Whenever I use have to go anywhere, say goodbye to someone on the phone, cut off anything with someone, I would always think "What if this is the last time I talk to them?"
And then what did i say to them? Nothing. just a goodbye, thinking "Nah, that's not possible.. they can't die."
Now I realize that they could. And now when I say goodbye to family, I say I love you. When I say goodbye to friends I say how much I'm thankful for them. Because I truly am and if that is our last conversation I want them to know it.
I understand I'll be able to see everyone I have loved after i die, or after they all die, whichever comes first.. but it's still just nice to know i do what I can.
I apologize for this extremely long blog and how sad it is... but I just started writing and I couldn't stop until my day was finished.
I love you all, more than you could all know-
Delaynie